It’s certainly good to hear from you again. I was particularly happy to read your last email because it sounded like you were back with reality, living more naturally in real and more ordinary life.
I shall try to answer your questions and comment on some of the things you wrote in your last email, paragraph by paragraph.
For the decades I had lived in the U.S., I took only a few trips for pleasure (so to speak). For those few trips, I only accompanied someone who wanted to go to those places. For myself, I never felt any need to go to see this and that. For all my life, I simply work everyday, taking care of what needed to be done in the best way I know how. After the three and a half years of Dharma study, I have learned to enjoy my work and tried to work effortlessly with joy. As a result, I don’t feel stressful most of the time. So, everyday of my life is a vacation for me. During those three and a half years, I read one little book by Buddhadasa that has become very helpful in this regard. The little book was called “Jitwaang” (“Void Mind”) in which Buddhadasa expounds on how to work with a mind that is void. There was one particular poem written by him that I used to recite often, in both Thai and English. Here’s the English version that I still remember:
Do work of all kinds with a mind that is void;
Then to the Voidness give all of the fruits;
Take food from the Voidness as do holy saints;
Lo and behold you are dead from the beginning.
You can find other renditions of this poem at the following sites:
As for my recent trips in Thailand, they were also for the same purpose, i.e. to accompany someone who would like to go. This year is the first year that I really have the time to do that since I left the United States for Thailand. I had simply been very busy since I arrived.
As for your questions if vacations are in conflict with Buddhism, whether they are attachments, and if all pleasures are bad, I think it all depends on one’s attitude and thus one’s thought. Have you read the chapter on “Heaven and Hell” in Mathematical Buddhism?
No, I don’t mind telling you what I do for a living and whether I am married. It is public information that I am single (unmarried) and was a math professor when I was in the U.S.
Since I arrived in Thailand this time, I took up for the first several years odd jobs such as Adviser to the President of a private university working on a strategic plan for quality development of the entire university and as consultant of private companies’ CEO’s for which I was neither educated nor trained in any way. My education and experience had been quite limited. I studied only physics and math in college and grad schools. I did not take any business or accounting course, not even a course in economics. Furthermore, the only thing I knew how to do was teaching math and I never worked in a company in business. When I was Adviser to the President, one of the Vice Presidents asked me where I was trained in the U.S. to know how to do the job I was assigned. My reply was simply nowhere and that I had studied only math and physics. Later, a science faculty member who was astonished with the “very ambitious” task I was doing asked me if I had a very big team helping me. My reply was simply that my team was a singleton. When I was a CEO’s consultant, I was asked how I could do the job with no prior knowledge, no training, and no experience in business, accounting, and economics. My reply was that I used Buddha-Dhamma, which I think contains the body of knowledge that is taught in an MBA program nowadays, provided one knows how to interpret the Dharma. There is a volume by Buddhadasa entitled “Dhamma is a Matter of Nature” (my own direct translation from Thai), in which he explicates the fourfold practice of the Dhamma. Here’s how I understand it:
1. Whatever you decide to do or get involved with, you must know its nature totally, completely, and thoroughly.
2. You must also understand totally, completely, and thoroughly the law or laws governing that very thing you are involved with.
3. You must follow your knowledge in #1 and 2 strictly (or religiously if you like); don’t try to be smart and double guess as you go along.
4. Sit back and enjoy the fruits of you labor in #3 with equanimity.
Let me give you two concrete examples.
First, for the Adviser-to-the-President job it took me about six months to learn and understand the existing problems (nature, the 1st of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma) and their causes (laws of nature, the 2nd of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). With that knowledge and understanding, I set out to work on the strategic plan and then submit the results to the President who in turn asked me to go around presenting the plan to the faculty in each school. The faculty members of each school evaluated the plan and the approval rates ranged from 92-96% with the overall rate of approval of 94%.
Second, one of the CEO’s consultant jobs had to do with a food product that is widely and greatly consumed in Thailand and with which I was not familiar and had consumed only a very limited number of times. The CEO was the owner of the holding company, the original researcher and creator of the product, and no one knew better than he did about the product. He wanted to increase the annual sale (about 200 million Baht at the time, if my recollection serves me right) to one billion Baht and then register the company with the Security Exchange of Thailand. He was convinced that it could be done, but knew that he couldn’t accomplish it by himself without all his middle managers at various arms of his company believing as well that it could be done. So, he wanted me to come up with a strategic plan to convince his troops. Once I agreed to take the job, he drove me to visit the company factory located in a remote area of a small province in the Northeast of Thailand, far (one-day driving) from Bangkok. In the car, he told me the entire history of the company and how he came about building the company (nature, the 1st of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). We stayed in a hotel upon arrival and retired early after dinner. Early the next morning, he drove me to the factory in the woods (a modern factory in the middle of nowhere) and turned me over to his factory manager. The factory manager started me out at the very beginning of the production line while I asked questions and took notes (nature and laws of nature, the 1st and 2nd of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). That took the whole day (less the lunch hour). After dinner, we went back to the hotel and the CEO and I chatted in the hotel lobby into the night (nature, the 1st of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). He drove me back to Bangkok the next day. I reviewed my notes and called for the company’s annual reports of the previous five years (nature and laws of nature, the 1st and 2nd of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). I then went to the bookstore of the oldest university in Thailand. I stayed there almost the whole day and purchased three books on systems of planning and production control, management and administration of industrial organizations, and deterministic operations research. I read and read(laws of nature, the 2nd of the 4-fold practice of the Dhamma). I had to assimilate all this new knowledge quickly. Surely, the experience in my doctoral study and research in both graduate math and different areas of physics helped. Then I studied the company’s annual reports and prepare a power point presentation of my proposed strategic plan. The CEO called for a one-day meeting with all his managers and assistants. The presentation was made and received enthusiastically, meeting the CEO’s goal. The CEO decided to visit the factory more frequently to carry out the plan and said it would take him about two years to carry out all the detail in the plan.
Those were the things I did in my earlier years here in Thailand. Then I stopped accepting any more of that kind of odd jobs and decided to stay home to work on some private and personal projects that really interested me. I have lived a very secluded life since. Presently, I am into portfolio management (another long story to tell at another time),
This should be long enough for my first reply to your email. I will have to continue on another day as I should get ready for my appointment with a former colleague, Dr. Chatsumarn Kabilsingh who is now Bhikkhuni Dhammananda, Abbess of Wat Songdhammakalyani:
I met her during my quest years when she was a philosophy professor at Thammasat University in Bangkok. As you know, I had only a Bachelor’s degree then. I just rediscovered her in less than a week from watching a documentary on T.V. and a subsequent search on the Internet. It will be good to see her again after so many years. She has invited me to attend the ordination of 108 samaneris and opening ceremony of the new vihara at her monastery tomorrow.
Author’s additional response
You don’t need an external evaluator on your progress on the Buddhist MBA. Just continue with the practice and you will know when you have progress. In fact, when you are able to complete the first exercise, you have a considerable progress. You continue to progress as you complete the second, third, and more exercises. Then at some point, you will feel some effect on your body and changes within.
It is normal to have doubts from time to time. In fact, there are in the Pali Canon terms that are used to describe various types of doubts arising in daily life including during study and practice of the Dhamma. Also, it is only natural that human beings should enjoy sensuality, after all Nature has endowed them with all the six senses. It is really the degree with which one seeks sensual pleasure that one needs to be careful. Just like all things, if one craves and attaches, one will inevitably suffer the consequences. This karmic law applies even to craving and attachment for “the pleasure of the cessation of desire” and state of nirvana. In sum, all really depend on the management of your own mental business, i.e. Buddhist MBA.
You need not go anywhere either because what you are seeking is within yourself. By the way, have you ever read the Sutra of Wei Lang? If you have not, I highly recommend reading it.
It is good that you understand the math in the Worlds of Senses chapter. However, the depth of one’s understanding of mathematical statements can only be obtained by reflection and seeing the relationship of all the statements (definitions, axioms, and theorems).
I am attaching a few photos to share with you some of yesterday's event. As I have already mentioned, I met Bhikkhuni Dhammananda (Dr. Chatsumarn Kabilsingh) during my quest years when she was a philosophy professor at Thammasat University (located next to Wat Maha Dhatu, Krungthep). Dhammanandiya was a samaneri I met yesterday. She is Jewish and came from the San Francisco Bay Area where she is a professional therapist. Her ordination is temporary and she will have to return for her job.
December 7, 2014
The stories that you shared with me are interesting. I'm reminded of a recurring story in world literature, e.g. Joseph in the Bible: a virtuous man serendipitously comes to a position of high rank, and he performs his job well because he stays true to a set of principles. The fourfold plan you write about is obviously ideal. I read the chapter "Heaven and Hell." I guess if you think wisely, there's
nothing bad about a vacation...
I read that there's a controversy in Thailand about bhikkunis. So you met a Jewish nun. There are a lot of Jewish Buddhists out there...
I just want to be totally free of sexuality. I'm not against procreation though. I'd just have to be in
a better state than I am now. I give it 13 years. I know that even if I formally adopted Buddhism, I don't have to be celibate. I'd probably be told not to be celibate. Celibacy for me is part of my personal ideology, partly influenced by Buddhism.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Thank you for your comments.
Do you know the set of principles that Joseph held in performing his jobs? I am interested in knowing.
I did not meet a Jewish nun; I met a Jewish American (with a French last name) who was just ordained to be a samaneri, not a (Buddhist) nun. There are (Buddhist) nuns inThailand for a long time, but now there are bhikkhunis and samaneris (novice bhikkhunis). Bhikkhunis are female Buddhist monks; male Buddhist monks are bhikkhus and male novice bhikkhus are called samanera.
It is most ideal if you can celibate without suffering. Most men, especially today’s men, find abstinence very difficult and some even think that it is impossible. Nature seems to work against celibacy. My attitude about this, and many other issues, is that it is a matter of management, what I generally refer to as (the Buddhist) MBA (Mental Business Administration). Everyone just has to manage it to suit oneself and one’s situation under some basic guideline like sila. Nowadays, sexuality and procreation are not taken to be the same anymore. More and more people who are married or have opposite-sex partners don’t want to have kids for various reasons. It is not fair to say that Buddhism demands celibacy. It really depends on what role of a Buddhist one wants to take. If one chooses to be a monk, then sexual abstinence is one of the rules. Otherwise, a good (lay) Buddhist has more freedom under the observance of sila.
December 8, 2014
I don't know much about the Joseph story beyond the basic narrative, though I'm sure there are a lot of apocryphal tales about his work ethic. The story is as follows: He was the second youngest of thirteen children, his father loved him the best, and he used to talk about how he saw visions in dreams that he would rule his brothers. His brothers got jealous of him and threw him in a pit to kill him, but then they felt remorse so they picked him up and sold him to Egyptian slave traders. Then he worked in a harem for an Egyptian governor, always respecting the property and being very meticulous that it wasn't misused by anyone. The governor's attractive wife tried to have sex with him, and he refused, so she claimed he raped her and he got sent to prison for a few years. While he was in prison, he got visions about whether certain prisoners would be executed or not, and he was brutally honest with them. One got executed, the other got released and became the Pharaoh's top servant. A few years later the Pharaoh was having nightmares so he called for a dream interpreter. The servant told him about Joseph, and Joseph correctly interpreted the nightmares to mean that there were going to be famines. So Joseph figured out a detailed plan about how to store food for the famines, and he got promoted to be the one who would implement the plans, which made him the top man in Egypt. So, the basic principles that he was sticking to were being loyal, following the law, being obedient, having patience, having faith in himself and God, being forthright, being chaste, using his knowledge of dream interpretation wisely and planning methodically. And there are other stories like this in theBible, as I imagine there are in the Buddhist canon.
I understood ‘nun’ as the feminine counterpart of ‘monk’. I assume you meant ‘mae ji’ by’nun’. I just read about them.
Yeah, abstinence is hard, and one has to have sila. I'll figure out how to do it. It's up to me. Sleep and exercise and enough math and Buddhism should do the trick. The abstinence isn't necessarily
permanent.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Thank you for telling me about Joseph.
Yes, Buddhist nuns are called “mae ji(she or chee, for the right sound)” and they are never considered as monks (for this reason, the Phra Theras, the (male) monk authorities in Thailand, never have any problem in having mae she around).
“Yeah, abstinence is hard, and one has to have sila. I'll figure out how to do it. It's up to me. ... The abstinence isn't necessarily permanent.”
Let me know when you figure it out and yes, it is up to you as most things are. Since abstinence is usually a form of attachment, it is very impermanent (anicca).
Please tell me how you understand sila. Most Thais claim to be Buddhists, but many don’t even know the meaning (definition) of sila. Not truly understanding sila has caused a lot of problems in the country. I believe that all a society needs for its people to live peacefully together is sila.
December 9, 2014
I have no detailed understanding of sila. I've read the basic gloss on the word, 'virtue' or 'morality'. All I meant by it was self-control, and not causing friction with oneself or others. Let me know if you
have a more precise definition or theory of sila.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Your understanding of sīla is good, i.e. you get the right idea. Sīla is part of the so-called “ti-sikkhā”, the Buddhist “Threefold Way (or Training)” in practicing the Dhamma.
The Eightfold Path (Magga 8) can be viewed as another form of ti-sikkhā; simply partition the set Magga 8 into 3 disjoint subsets called sīla, samadhi, and paññā.
By and large, our lives are pretty much our deeds (karma or kamma). Our deeds are verbal, bodily, and mental. Sīla is practically related to our verbal and bodily conducts. Having sīla means having verbal and bodily conducts that are not harmful or do not cause distress or discomfort to others and oneself. Many Thai Buddhists say that sīla is “Sīla 5”, the Buddhist Five Precepts (Thou shalt not kill, not steal, not commit adultery, not lie, and not drink alcohol beverages). Some even say that to be a Buddhist or a good Buddhist, one must observe Sīla 5. Identifying sīla with such a fixed set of rules is at times problematic. Westerners who read about Buddhism often ask if they can be Buddhist and sometimes have a beer, a glass of wine with their dinner, or some champagne at a cocktail party. It is therefore important that one understands the actual meaning of sīla so that one can determine (have a mental conduct) in each case whether one’s verbal or bodily conduct is going to be harmful or cause discomfort to others and oneself. Here’s again, it is a matter of managing one’s mental business (The Buddhist MBA), which should be the vanguard of our verbal and bodily conducts.
December 12, 2014
Thanks for this. I'll have to commit these lists to memory. Abstinence from alcohol is not an issue for me, as I already abstain from it.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Now that you know all about Sīla, do you know what Buddhist Samadhi actually means and why and how it is important in your path of truth seeking?
Among the Daily Yahoo stories received recently is the following beginning excerpt:
Warren Buffett, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates have all attributed their success to one factor. In fact, this one trait is behind the success of all people that have performed massively better than the average person. Read on to find out what the trait is and how you can put it into practice in your own life . . .
You should know, however, that “focus” is but one of the three necessary and sufficient conditions in the definition of Buddhist Samadhi. Do you know what the other two necessary and sufficient conditions are? If not, let’s see if you can find out on the Internet or from other readings. Be warned that you may quickly get confused with the mass (spelled with “a”, not “e”, though the use of the latter may not be inappropriate) of explanations (if not over-explanations).
January 5, 2015
No, I do not know what 'Buddhist Samadhi' actually means. Nor am I much more knowledgeable about 'focus'. I have always been reticent when it comes to acknowledging the existence of commonly assumed psychological properties. While I am now more willing to grant that such states as focus exist, I am not sure that I have an intimate knowledge of focus or how to become focused...
The Yahoo article talks about narrowing one's attention to a single task. I agree with this approach, but I also have a desire to accomplish many tasks. My compromise is to focus on a single task for the majority of the day, and spend shorter periods focusing on other tasks. I have a detailed agenda for the next eight months that utilizes this plan. My main focus is going to be studying logic for graduate school, and my secondary focus is studying some religion, science, philosophy and mathematics daily. Exercise is another activity I am devoting myself to. I should add your meditation to my agenda as well.
"You should know, however, that 'focus' is but one of the three necessary and sufficient conditions in the definition of Buddhist Samadhi. Do you know what the other two necessary and sufficient conditions are?"
Right effort, right concentration and right mindfulness. This is from Bhikkhu Bodhi. I will be studying the Eightfold Path gradually during the daily period I have designated for the study of Buddhism.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
“The Yahoo article talks about narrowing one's attention to a single task. I agree with this approach, but I also have a desire to accomplish many tasks.”
That is normal, especially with capable individuals.
“My compromise is to focus on a single task for the majority of the day, and spend shorter periods focusing on other tasks. I have a detailed agenda for the next eight months that utilizes this plan. My main focus is going to be studying logic for graduate school, and my secondary focus is studying some religion, science, philosophy and mathematics daily. Exercise is another activity I am devoting myself to. I should add your meditation to my agenda as well.”
I think that is an excellent plan.
Concerning Buddhist samadhi, view the “Threefold Training” as a pyramid with sīla being the base of the pyramid, samadhi in the middle, and paññā at the top. The three defining conditions for samadhi are (1) parisuddho (pure), (2) samahito (focused), and (3)kammaniyo (workable, agile, and nimble). A simple analogy may help to clarify these concepts. A good quality flash light must (1) have pure and bright light, (2) have a steady and concentrated beam, and (3) be easy to use and convenient to turn around at will so that the bright, steady and concentrated beam can shine in any place at any time. Buddhist samadhi must have all of these three qualities so that it can be used effectively to arrive at the top of the pyramid. In Dhamma practice, parisuddho means purification of sīla, which is conducive to the practice of samahito. If one still quarrels with someone or something, one’s mind and thought cannot be pure and this impurity becomes a distraction in one’s practice of samahito. There are many different practices of samahito as one can find at various retreats for concentration training. The Buddhist MBA trainee’s exercise that you have been doing is another good example of samahito practice. The key to samahito practice is moderation in view of kammaniyo because if one’s focus is too intense, one tends to be too rigid. Rigidity is an opposing quality to agility and nimbleness. Only usable tools can be useful. Therefore, kammaniyo is very important in the Buddhist samadhi practice.
January 7, 2015
This all sounds right. Well, now's the time of the day I study Buddhism. I'll get to that then.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
January 10, 2015
What I would like is a detailed explanation of karma ... You're right; I haven't made much progress with the exercise. I'm working at things slowly.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
This exercise [the trainee’s exercise suggested in The Buddhist MBA of Mathematical Buddhism] is simple and does not depend on any religious belief or philosophy. It is like running, walking, and other exercises; it's just a matter of doing it and checks the effects.
"Karma" = "kamma" = "deeds", no more or less, and human deeds are of three types as already mentioned previously. There is no need to intellectualize or philosophize it. Keep things simple. Psychoanalysis does not always work, but the clinical practice of modern medicine has been quite effective in helping people out of misery from their illness. The physician learns about the patient's symptoms and prescribes medication accordingly. The patient takes the prescribed medicine and gets cured most of the time. Neither the doctor nor the patient need know all the causes and origin of the disease. The important thing is to get the patient cured.
January 11, 2015
All right. I'll stay at the meditation then. Maybe I'll get some progress further down the line.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Good! Your progress may inspire me to resume my writing of Mathematical Buddhism. Do you still remember what you wrote me in your first email and how I replied it?
The trainee's exercise is really rudimentary, but essential for a full-course meditation using one's breath as a vehicle. Such a full-course meditation consists of four parts, each of which contains four steps, all together 16 steps. You will be amazed how little people really know about their breath and breathing that they have had with them all the time ever since they were born.
January 12, 2015
I remember what you wrote me when I first wrote you. I'd be interested in seeing an update of Mathematical Buddhism. I still study the original. I'll be practicing the trainee's exercise, it just my be a while before I have anything significant to report.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Just keep in mind that you need not sit in a stiff position to do the exercise. You can do it in any comfortable position and it does not have to be the same position every time. If and when you are busy, you can do it when you hit the sack.
April 8, 2015
Hello. How are you? I'm writing to update you on my graduate school situation, as per your request. I got accepted into the MA program in Philosophy in New York and the MSc program in Europe. Both programs would give me the opportunity to study logic in a mathematical way, and apply mathematical methods to philosophy, religion and textual exegesis. Although the program in Europe seems to be more conducive to these studies, and is therefore more attractive, I think I could get an equivalent education in New York if I find the right teachers and do independent reading. And, New York is 30-40 thousand dollars cheaper, all costs considered. Hence, I'll probably end up going to the one in New York.
I started reading through the Sutta Pitaka in translation. I'm halfway through the Majjhima Nikaya. There was a brief period when I was meditating. To be frank my mental state is too disturbed for me to be able to meditate without excruciating difficulty. There was one time when I did a sitting meditation for an hour, and after that I was able to do one round of your breathing exercise properly. It was clear to me then that at no other time was I really doing the exercise, though I was trying. Another experience that I had after a long sit was a brief cessation of mental verbalization and imagining. I was conscious, but the stream of thought that's always with me had ceased. This made me anxious, and I consciously brought myself out of it after a second or two. I also had what I believe to be an insight, while I was just thinking about overcoming craving, that the cravings I am trying to go against are extremely strong cravings and with me at all times. As an analogy, I am trying to lift a thousand pound weight–– possibly much more than that. I have been less focused on Buddhism lately, though I retain an interest in it. I've been looking into other things right now, including other religions and philosophies like Islam and Taoism, and mathematical subjects like analysis, mathematical logic and set theory.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
It's certainly good to hear from you. I had been wondering where you might decide to go for grad school and was about to write you to find out. Your thought of choosing the one in New York is sound, especially when the difference in costs is significantly high. You are right in that at the Ph.D. level with whom you work is very important. Besides, if your Ph.D. adviser is well known, it will definitely help in finding a job afterward. Believe me if you can get along well with your famous adviser and will have earned his/her respect, a phone call by him/her can quickly land you a good position at a decent place.
Being able to complete one round of the trainee's breathing exercise in Mathematical Buddhism should be considered quite an accomplishment. Today with the modern life-style, many people tend to have short attention span and problems in focusing inwardly, especially with both intensive and extensive mindfulness discussed in Mathematical Buddhism. So, your next goal should be to see if you can complete two consecutive rounds of the exercise. In addition, you should not try to go against your cravings or constantly think to overcome them; that isn’t the "Tao" way. Just let go and let them be; that is Tao.
You said that you were looking into, among other things, Taoism and mathematical logic. Which particular books are you reading? Were you able to get a hold of Capra’s The Tao of Physics that I mentioned to you last year (in April 2014) and read it? There are two other good books that you should look at, i.e. Lao Tsu’s Tao Te Ching and Chuang Tsu’s Inner Chapters, both translated by Gia-fu Feng and Jane English. These books were called to my attention by my Master’s degree adviser, Don Bushaw, at Washington State University. Professor Bushaw was a remarkable man who did his Ph.D. at Princeton, was among those famous physicists and mathematicians who were invited to go to Los Alamos to work on the Manhattan Project, but declined the invitation and went straight to Pullman to teach at Washington State. In addition to teaching math, he also taught Eastern Civilization classes, spoke almost 20 languages well and wrote Chinese beautifully. He also gave me a little book called The Enchiridion by Epictetus.
Talking about independent reading, I read Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler’s Gravitation under Bushaw as well as two volumes on theoretical physics under another wonderful gentleman, Sherman Lowell in the physics department at Washington State. Professor Lowell did his Ph.D. at the Courant Institute of Mathematical Sciences at NYU, was Courant’s assistant and was, after finishing his Ph.D., sent to Adelphi to head the applied math department there. Lowell was a naval officer who was sent to help reconstruct the libraries in Europe after World War II. He told me many wonderfully interesting stories about all the famous physicists and mathematicians he met while he was in Europe. At Purdue’s math department, I also did independent-study courses in axiomatic set theory, mathematical logic, and model theory, which were all necessary for my Ph.D. dissertation work in addition to studying quantum mechanics and quantum field theory. As you know, my Ph.D. thesis adviser was James Thurber who also did his Ph.D. at the Courant Institute and coincidentally went to teach at Adelphi when Lowell was there. Professor Thurber told me from the very beginning that it would take me too long to take all the formal courses in both physics and math that I need for my Ph.D. research and that a quicker way is to do independent study (or reading) to get to the points needed.
April 16, 2015
I was reading Stephen C. Kleene's
Introduction to Metamathematics and Mathematical Logic, and
Texts of Taoism translated by James Legge. But lately I've been languishing in internet addiction.
I had a look at Tao of Physics when you recommended it to me. The physics was over my head. I know very little physics, and very little about everything else too.
I did read Tao te Ching, but not the translation you mention. I actually had another notable experience after I read that, in which I kept my thought process in extreme control, only allowing myself to formulate complete, logical thoughts in my mind. The result was a state of awareness in which there was no mental verbalization. This felt too hard to maintain, because it was too boring. Maybe I'm closer to right concentration than I think, but I'm just too afraid to enter that state because I'm clinging to my old mental habits.
It sounds like the men you mention lived noble lives. I had the potential to be a serious student of a hard science like yourself and the men you mention, but because of my indigence, my proclivity to fantasize, and my seeking cheap pleasure, I diverted my attention to foolishness and nonsense and just drifted along in life without seriously devoting myself to a subject, getting duller all the while. Now I'm suffering the consequences. It's hard to accept that your actions are irreversible and you wasted the only life you had.
Then again, I never could see the point in doing anything, including learning, and I always rejected the inadequate answers of those who I asked about the purposes of doing things. Everyone else seems to be satisfied with saying smugly that you do things for their own sake and there is no ultimate meaning to life. This is something I will never understand, though I may pretend to avoid further wrangling over the issue. I know very little, but I do know that I don't like friction with others who may at any moment impose greater suffering on me than I now experience.
Suicide is always a fantasy, but I do have hope that I will find something to make things all better in the future.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
Author’s response
Don’t be too harsh on yourself. You must not forget that you were only an undergraduate student who had to meet requirements in many different subjects to get a well-rounded education. Despite all the demands that typical college students find difficult to cope with, you have gone far and beyond in learning more and penetrating more deeply in various subjects that interest you. You should be proud of yourself.
One summer during my undergraduate years, I asked to sit in an Existentialism class. One day, the professor asked his class, after having paved his way in explaining how life was full of dread and anguish, if anyone had not contemplated suicide in his or her life before. Of course, no student dared to raise his or her hand, except me. In all my life, I think suicide is a stupid and coward act as there are always many alternatives to every problem and only staying alive can take advantage of all those alternatives. If one is going to give up one’s life, isn’t it better to sacrifice it to a noble goal in helping the many more unfortunates?
Contrary to some Western authors’ view that Buddhism is a pessimistic religion, I appreciate the optimism implied by the Buddhist principles. Take for example Buddha’s teaching on dynamism in the universe. By the fact that all sankhatadhamma are subject to change and many phenomena are cyclic, we can have hope at the peak of our misery that life will change for the better (as a good stock that has bottomed out has but one way to go, that is, up).
It's nice to hear from you. Thanks for the words of encouragement. My last e-mail was more emotional than usual. I emphasize that I'm not planning to actually commit suicide! I just daydream about it, because perhaps it's a way to teleport myself to another kind of existence where the bad things about my current existence disappear. All in all, I agree with your assessment that one may as well sacrifice one's life in the pursuit of a goal if he doesn't want to live. One will die if he commits suicide or not, but if he doesn't commit suicide and pursues a goal there's a chance he may attain a greater good.
“Di Parti II” (See above.)
